Monday, June 08, 2009

return to me

Last night I went to a youth Mass. Granted, I had no idea that's what it would be until I was there, but I'm glad that I accidentally stumbled upon it. It's always nice seeing "young people" participating and taking leading roles in music, reading, etc. (Saying that made me feel a little bit old.) I'm just glad we didn't have to do hand motions...never liked that, even when I was "young."

During communion, we sang "Sweet Redeemer" by Steve Angrisano and Sarah Hart. The refrain...

Sweet Redeemer, I surrender
All I am to You.

As I struggled to pay attention during Mass, that song jumped out at me and made me reflect on the past. It reminded me of the good old days when I was totally head over heels in love with Jesus. ...And of course I got a little sad.

Back in the day, Jesus was all I could think about. I was freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully in love with Him. I have many memories of high school marching band and calculus where I'd pray the rosary rather than pay attention to what I was supposed to be learning. I would go to daily Mass and daily Adoration, weekly confession, and Jesus was all that my mind cared to ponder.

I loved Him. I wanted to marry Him. I thought I would...

But it was so easy back then. It felt good and I had so much consolation in prayer. My life was so free and I had no responsibilities beyond caring for my soul and nurturing my relationship with God.

After NET, things got harder. I began school, working, dating. Life was more complicated and there was so much more to think about besides Jesus. I had no consolation in prayer and struggled with complacency of heart. But I still try to be faithful, and honestly I kind of suck at it.

But I try...hopefully that's worth something. I was told once that faithfulness in dryness is worth more than when it's easy. And I pray it's true! I just want to love Jesus and be faithful to Him!

I often think of this song (I think it's by Jim Cowan but I'm not sure) when I get in these moods.
Return to me that first love That I had when I gave my life to You

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