Here is an excerpt from today's readings:
There is an appointed time for everything,
and a time for every thing under the heavens.
A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant.
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to tear down, and a time to build.
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them;
a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces.
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away.
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to be silent, and a time to speak.
A time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war, and a time of peace.
I just realized that I have been going through life without wanting to face the consequences of my actions. Actually, let me rephrase that: I go through life desiring positive consequences to come out of my actions, both positive and negative.
When I do something right, I am all about receiving recognition and praise. It secretly thrills me and makes me feel special. So, when I think I am right about something, I want it to turn out my way. I do not think about my actions or how others will feel. And if I get a negative reaction, I get flustered, as if some unjustice has been done to me.
If fear that I have done some irreparable damage last night from my selfishness and pride. Yes, I was justified in some of it, but I definately let my emotions take lead. I want things done perfectly my way right now.
It is amazing how many times the words "I" or "my" appear in the paragraphs above.
Lord, I am so concerned with my own feelings and timing, that I forget all about Yours. Indeed, as the first reading today states, You have an appointed time for everything. If some injustice was really being done to me, would not You already have a perfect moment to take it away? Could my suffering not be a gift from You to teach me patience and love? You have already appointed "a time to be silent, and a time to speak." Were my reactions really necessary? Do I even trust You as I claim to?
At the same time I need to look at the other side of things. Lord, you do have a time for everything. "A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away." Is this the chosen time You have set apart for me to lose, to cast away what if most dear to me? Is that what I really want? When I search the depths of my heart, I seem to become more and more confused. On one hand, I very much do not want that to happen, yet my actions seem to speak otherwise.
Lord, what is it that I want? More importantly, what is it that You want? My life is plagued by sin that clouds the eyes of my soul. Take hold of me and teach me to walk though the fog and mist, for You alone can restore order and peace.
Jesus I trust in You.