martyrdom

Wednesday night I had a dream that I was in a dark building with some people and that if I stood in front of a window I was going to be shot. Somehow in my dream I knew that I was supposed to be a martyr and that this was how God wanted me to go. Yet I was so afraid of the pain of being shot that I refused to let it happen to me.

Martyrdom of Saint Lawrence

It made me sad to realize that I wanted more to avoid pain than to become a martyr for God. I want to be able to love God so much that I would gladly die for him. After all, this is what Jesus did for us. He loved us more than He wanted to avoid pain. And love is painful - if we look at the Cross - sometimes we have to sacrifice ourselves, our will, our desires for those we love.

Yet there still seems to be so much to loose.

But there is so much to gain.